What Would I Put In A Museum?

I Am Not Beautiful, So I Don't Know Why I'm Making Myself Ugly. But The Mustache Stays.

I Made An Impulse Buy Of A House In Maine To Make My Wife Happy And Now Have Gone Back Into Debt And It's All Started Over For Me.

To Want To Become The President Is, I Think, Such A Bizarre Ambition That It Is Automatically Deranging.

The Nice Thing About Live Performance Is That I've Never, Ever Been Let Down. Partly I'm Lucky That My Audience Self-selects Itself. Generally They Know What They're In For, And Generally We All Just Like Each Other And Get Along. But I Always Find One Or Two Or A Dozen Really Interesting People In The Audience Who Make The Show Different. And That's One Of The Things I Really Like About Performing.

Maine's Motto Is "vacationland," But As Far As I'm Concerned, It Should Be, "maine: Putting The 'spite' In Hospitality Since 1820."