God Always Comes Up With A Third

I Now Consider It A Good Day When I Don't Step On My Boobs.

I Wish I Could Tell You It Gets Better. It Doesn't Get Better. You Get Better.

The Last Time I Saw A Blonde With Red Streaks In Her Hair She Was Laying On Oscar Pistorius' Bathroom Floor.

I Have A Million Dollar Figure ... But It's All Loose Change.

Both Of My Parents Got To See Me Host Carson, Thank God. That's All Anyone Wants: To Have Their Parents See They're Going To Be All Right In Life.