Elizabeth Taylor's So Fat She Puts Mayonnaise

No Man Will Ever Put His Hand Up Your Dress Looking For A Library Card.

The Last Time I Saw A Blonde With Red Streaks In Her Hair She Was Laying On Oscar Pistorius' Bathroom Floor.

How To Fool Yourself Into Feeling Younger: When You Go To Restaurants, Always Check A Coat And A Skateboard.

I Always Like A Charity With People Who Don't Speak English Because I Get Them To Do All Kinds Of Things Around My House.

When You Can Laugh At Yourself No One Can Ever Make A Fool Of You.