The Nicest Present I Ever Got Was

The Subconscious Is Like Having A Laboratory Assistant Who Pretends To Love You And Help You, But After You Go Home To Go To Sleep It Goes Back Into The Lab And Starts Fumbling With The Data And Destroying It. It's A Very Tricky Thing. People Think Our Minds Are Us, But That's Not True At All. The Mind Is Not Us.

I Used To Be Scared Of Pretty Girls, Until One Confessed They're Just As Scared Of Me.

Thinking Up Jokes Is Easy. The Hard Part Is Trying Them Out On Stage, Because You Never Know If They're Funny Until You Get There. Not One Comedian In The World Ever Really Knows.

When I Was 10, I Beat Up The School Bully. His Arms Were In Casts. That's What Gave Me The Courage.

People Always Ask Me, 'where Were You When Kennedy Was Shot?' Well, I Don't Have An Alibi.