The Average American's Day Planner Has Fewer

Just Be Good And Kind To Your Children. Not Only Are They The Future Of The World, They're The Ones Who Can Sign You Into The Nursing Home.

But The Biggest Fake Of The Year, Paul Begala's Last Smile

So Who's The Big Red Menace Nowadays? Cuba. That's It? I'm Sorry, But It's Hard To Whip Up Any Us Against Them Nationalist Fervor About A Country Whose Principal Export Is Citizens Who Can Swim.

The White House Looked Into A Plan That Would Allow Illegal Immigrants To Stay In The United States. The Plan Called For A Million Mexicans To Marry A Million Of Our Ugliest Citizens.

I'll Say This About The War Protesters: At Least Most Of Them Are Only Putting Duct Tape Across Their Mouths So I Can Still Tell The Rest Of Them To Blow It Out Their Ass.