List of Jeffrey Bernard Quotes

A Lot Of Girls Annoy Me Who Go To University - One Girl Told Me She Was Going To Oxford Because It Was Something To Do Between Leaving School And Getting Married. And I've Got To Pay For That Being An Income Tax Payer.

One Of The Things That Goes With Getting Older Is That One Becomes More Conservative - And I Emphasise That When I Use The Word Conservative I Do Not Mean Politically.

I Enjoy Doing Nothing.

Although I Have To Admit I Have Despised A Couple Of People Simply Because They Have Never Had A Job In Their Lives.

I Don't Remember Ever Being Full Of Dislike And Hatred For People, Like Some Kids I've Come Across Now.

But You've Got To Have Money For Comfort, Which Obviously Doesn't Matter As Much When You're Young, But Even So. I Always Like To Bloody Eat Well And Be Warm. Have A Drink When I Want It.

Oh, The Self-importance Of Fading Stars. Never Mind, They Will Be Black Holes One Day.

There's Nothing Undignified About Lying About All Day And Being Waited On By Servants, Sipping Bloody Champagne.

The Only Reason I Would Have Liked To Have Gone To University Is Because I Like Cricket. Not A Very Good Reason To Want To Go, But As Good As Any, I Suppose.

When I Was A Boy, I Naively Thought That This Thing Called Happiness Would Be Something I Would Wake Up To Find Every Day Once I Could Smoke, Drink And Fornicate.

In Most Betting Shops You Will See Three Windows Marked 'bet Here', But Only One Window With The Legend 'pay Out'.

You Never See A Pretty, Unattached Girl On A Racecourse. But You Often See Positive Gangs Of Rather Unpretty Ones. They Are The Owners Or The Owners' Wives And They Wear Mink In All Weathers And Far Too Much Make-up. For Some Odd Reason, I Can Never Work Out Why They Always Seem To Be Married To Haulage Contractors In The North, Builders In The South And Farmers In The West.