Welcome To The Academy Awards, Or, As

Eighty Is When You Order A Steak And The Headwaiter Puts It Through The Blender. Or When You Wake Up As Many Times During The Night As Burt Reynolds, But Not For The Same Reason.

Did You See Where President Reagan Finally Got A Hearing Aid? People Have Been Telling Him To Get One For Years, But He Couldn't Hear Them.

Louis B. Mayer Came Out West With $28.00, A Box Camera And An Old Lion. He Built A Monument To Himself -- The Bank Of America.

The Old Water Heater In My Dressing Room Was Working, But It Was Kind Of Tired. It Gave Off About As Much Warmth As An Agent's Handshake.

England Occupies A Warm Spot In My Affections. It Was The Scene Of My Greatest Performance. I Was Born There.