I Don't Do Drugs, Though. Just Weed.

I Support Anyone's Right To Be Who They Want To Be. My Question Is: To What Extent Do I Have To Participate In Your Self-image?

My Wife Asked Me Once If I Weren't A Comedian, What I Would Do. I Couldn't Answer The Question. I Never Imagined Doing Anything Else.

I Love The Fact That I Have A Show Where You Can Run Over A Kid And Everyone Busts Out Laughing.

I Wish I Had More Hands, So I Could Give Those Titties Four Thumbs Down!

If Someone Sits And Stares At You While You Eat, You Won't Even Eat The Way You Normally Do, Because It'll Make You So Uncomfortable. If I Look At My Dog When He's Eating, He Will Look At Me Like, "dave, I Will Bite You. What Are You Looking At? I'm Trying To Eat." It's Something That Dehumanizes A Person, Being On Display Like That.