List of Stephen Leacock Quotes

A Silk Dress In Four Sections, And Shoes With High Heels That Would Have Broken The Heart Of John Calvin.

Indeed I Have Always Found That The Only Thing In Regard To Toronto Which Faraway People Know For Certain Is That Mcgill University Is In It.

Too Much Has Been Said Of The Heroes Of History-the Strong Men, The Troublesome Men; Too Little Of The Amiable, The Kindly, The Tolerant.

You Frequently Ask, Where Are The Friends Of Your Childhood, And Urge That They Shall Be Brought Back To You. As Far As I Am Able To Learn, Those Of Your Friends Who Are Not In Jail Are Still Right There In Your Native Village. You Point Out That They Were Wont To Share Your Gambols, If So, You Are Certainly Entitled To Have Theirs Now.

Presently I Shall Be Introduced As 'this Venerable Old Gentleman' And The Axe Will Fall When They Raise Me To The Degree Of 'grand Old Man'. That Means On Our Continent Any One With Snow-white Hair Who Has Kept Out Of Jail Till Eighty.

A Barber Is By Nature And Inclination A Sport. He Can Tell You At What Exact Hour The Ball Game Is To Begin, Can Foretell Its Issue Without Losing A Stroke Of The Razor, And Can Explain The Points Of Inferiority Of All The Players, As Compared With The Better Men That He Has Personally Seen Elsewhere, With The Nicety Of A Professional.

The Writing Of Solid, Instructive Stuff Fortified By Facts And Figures Is Easy Enough. There Is No Trouble In Writing A Scientific Treatise On The Folk-lore Of Central China, Or A Statistical Enquiry Into The Declining Population Of Prince Edward Island. But To Write Something Out Of One's Own Mind, Worth Reading For Its Own Sake, Is An Arduous Contrivance Only To Be Achieved In Fortunate Moments, Few And Far In Between. Personally, I Would Sooner Have Written Alice In Wonderland Than The Whole Encyclopedia Britannica.

Each Section Of The British Isles Has Its Own Way Of Laughing, Except Wales, Which Doesn't.

The Classics Are Only Primitive Literature. They Belong To The Same Class As Primitive Machinery And Primitive Music And Primitive Medicine.

It Is To Be Observed That 'angling' Is The Name Given To Fishing By People Who Can't Fish.

We Think Of The Noble Object For Which The Professor Appears Tonight, We May Be Assured That The Lord Will Forgive Any One Who Will Laugh At The Professor.

It's A Lie, But Heaven Will Forgive You For It.