List of Jack Benny Quotes

Bill Paley Is Not Only The Greatest Boss I Ever Had, But He's The Most Brilliant, Honest And Warm Human Being I've Ever Met. And I'll Say That To His Face - Even If It Costs Me My Job.

Try Saving When Your Salary Is Low. So After Making More Money, You Will Not Be Able To Do This Anywhere

I'm Happy To Be Making My First Appearance On Air Professionally. By That I Mean I'm Finally Getting Paid, Which I Know Will Be A Great Relief To My Creditors.

How Do I Get To Carnegie Hall? Practice. Practice. Practice.

When You Talk About The World's Greatest Entertainer You Have To Say Al Jolson Because There Was No One Like Him. Only Judy Garland And Perhaps Frank Sinatra Got Anywhere Near Him!

The Doctors Couldn't Find Anything Wrong With Me Except That I Have A Slight Stomach Pain. Wait Till I Get My Hospital Bill! Then I'll Really Have A Pain The Stomach!

The Only Way I'll Ever Get Hurt In The Casino Is If There's An Earthquake And A Slot Machine Falls On My Foot.

I Don't Want To Tell You How Much Insurance I Carry With The Prudential, But All I Can Say Is: When I Go, They Go Too.

I Feel Responsible For Johnny Ray's Success. See Many Years Ago I Asked Him To Be On My Show And He Asked For A Lot Of Money And I Cried. And He Stole That From Me.

I Must Be Cheaper Now Than I Was Ten Years Ago In Order To Get A Laugh. It's Not Funny Now If I Leave The Table And Give The Waiter A Nickel Tip, Which Was A Laugh Years Ago. Today I Must Maneuver It So That Somehow I Get The Waiter To Give Me A Nickel Tip.

I Was Going To Buy My Girl A Packard Car For Christmas, But It Took Too Long To Deliver, So I Bought Her Some Handkerchiefs.

I'm An Old Newspaper-man Myself, But I Quit Because I Found There Was No Money In Old Newspapers.