List of Alan Coren Quotes

10.30 Newsnight: What Are The Chances Of World War Three Breaking Out After You Have Gone To Bed?

Ethnically, The Germans Are Teutonic... Being Made Up Of Vandals, Gepidae, And Goths, All Of Whom Emigrated - South From Sweden In About 500 Bc; Why They Emigrated Is Not Exactly Clear, But Many Scholars Believe It Was Because They Saw The Way Sweden Was Going, I.e. Neutral.

Disneyworld... Is A Historical Reconstruction As Sanitised As The Kremlin's, And A Future Vision As Uncognisant Of Contemporary Pointers As Peter Pan's. It Is A Magic Carpet Under Which Everything Has Been Swept.

The Role Of Humour Is To Make People Fall Down And Writhe On The Axminster, And That Is The Top And Bottom Of It.

The Word "souvenir" Has, Of Course, Slightly Extended Itself In Meaning Until It Now Denotes Almost Anything Either Breakable Or Useless; But Even Today, Ninety Per Cent Of The Items Covered By The Word Are Forgettable Objects In Which Cigarettes Can Be Left To Go Stale.

Jacob Is A German Shepherd. (i Have Never Understood Why They Aren't Called German Sheepdogs. What Do The Germans Call Shepherds?)

Having Lost The Last War, They Are Currently Enjoying A "wirtschaftswunder," Which Can Be Briefly Translated As "the Best Way To Own A Mercedes Is To Build One."

A Humorist Tells Himself Every Morning, "i Hope It's Going To Be A Rough Day." When Things Are Going Well, It's Much Harder To Make The Right Jokes.

English Bohemianism Is A Curiously Unluscious Fruit. ... Inside This Hothouse, Huge Lascivious Orchids Slide Sensuously Up The Sweating Windows, Passion-flowers Cross-pollinate In Wild Heliotrope Abandon, Lotuses Writhe With Poppies In The Sweet Warm Beds, Kumquats Ripen, Open And Plop Flatly To The Floor-and Outside, In A Neat, Trimly-hoed Kitchen-garden, English Bohemians Sit In Cold Orderly Rows, Like Carrots.

Since Both Its National Products, Snow And Chocolate, Melt, The Cuckoo Clock Was Invented Solely In Order To Give Tourists Something Solid To Remember It By.

Malta Is The Only Country In The World Where The Local Delicacy Is The Bread.

Sadly, As With So Much About History's Heroes, It's The Spotting Of Potential Fame That's The Difficulty, Whether It's Publishing Their Poems, Hanging Their Paintings, Or Buying Their Old Underwear. Think Of The Great Men Whose Lives Passed In Penury And Hacking Coughs Due To Public Unawareness That Their Littlest Possession Would End Up At Sothebys Or The Basement At Fort Knox.